016.

They say home is where the heart is.

I guess I haven't found my home. 

They say there is linings made of silver folded inside of every rainy cloud. They say you're really not somebody until somebody else loves you. Well, I am waiting to make somebody, soon. 

015.

I can still smell the flowers, I can still hear the thunderstorms. Wet pavement under my feet while my soul runs along the beach. I hear ‘boys like girls’ and the anthems of summers pasts. The sound of the warm winds and the traffic of a beautiful summer night. He told me “love unconditionally”, but other ‘conditions’ came up and I never realized that is was time to end our story. I got that feeling, it went away but as soon as I started believing that the world had come between us it came back. I knew we would never be where we were, and I couldn’t help but blame her. You said, “We all make mistakes” but you didn’t know I knew the whole story. The day I realized I was ignoring reality I didn’t exactly know what to do. I was never prepared to say goodbye, even thought the words left my mouth before it was even a thought in his mind. I wish I could remember how I fell in love with you, but I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. I wish I could have told you all the things I wanted to say. Then there comes a point when all you're yearning rips you in two and your heart to shreds and all you can do it crawl across your bedroom floor, trying to find breath to stop crying. Your heart strings wrap around your gut and tear you apart. Sometimes, if your lucky, after that you don’t feel a thing anymore. You stand up and you move on. I think deep down the day I left him, he knew something was wrong. My eyes would have said it all. The things I thought you would hate or never understand about me, were the things I guess you always understood. I can still feel my heart breaking when I said I never loved you. I hope you knew it was a lie. It’s just a memory, now that we have both healed. The wind that blows reminds me that there is such a thing as moving on and that no matter what direction you go, your soul knows it’s the right one.

014.

Lately, it feels as if nothing is going my way.

It's complicated, it is life.

Love is always complicated in my case. 

Possibly because of my over-obsessively, uncanny, unknowing way of thinking when it comes to trust and relationships. This is most likely due to the fact that I do have trust issues, even though I try to deny it. It may also be that I do not understand the concept fully of how somebody can be loved by someone else when the person being loved doesn't love themselves. He probably thinks that I am moody, and don't make any sense. Which is true but probably for different reasons than expected.

None the less, I do love this boy. 

He knows, 

And he said it first.